Okay, well first, there are more than three, but still not enough to make me a floozy. Second, the Vikings are kicking my ass slightly less than my now 41 year old hormones are. Third, I believe I have a multiple personality disorder.
Let’s deal with each one of these things separately, shall we?
More than three, but less than floozy...
So the last year of my dating life has been filled with a Goldilocks metaphor. This one is too soft, this one too hard (I’m sensing a double-entendre here, do you sense it too?), this one too cold, this one too hot... I haven’t found the one that’s just right, quite yet. And at this point, I’m not sure I should keep sampling the porridge.
Here’s the thing... no matter their Goldilocks category, the Vikings have all been good guys, each in their own way. But this dating thing hurts. It hurts to be dumped. It's even painful to hurt someone else’s feelings. And they feel exactly the same way in both regards. I’ve heard that geese mate for life, I’ve often wondered if they hurt this much while they’re trying to find their mate. Note to self: Ask a goose for dating advice. Believe it or not, I will actually do this.
The reason that I’m considering not sampling any more porridge is that I don’t want to get hurt or hurt anyone else, again. My last few experiences have broken my heart even if I was the one saying goodbye. That’s the thing about relationships, I guess. You can’t guarantee anything to the other person. You just can’t. No matter how much you want to. You can believe you can with all your heart, but people, including myself (and that's a huge understatement), are unpredictable. Circumstances change, people grow or change, life changes in general and there we are back in Kansas stealing sparkly red slippers off a dead witch so that we can try again.
I’ve found that if I’m honest about this concept, Vikings interpret it one of three ways: They think I don’t want a relationship or want to be alone ("relationship" and "alone" as defined by them); They think I just want sex... Most of the time they’re perfectly fine with this, but they also think it means they can ask my massage therapist out for coffee after they leave my house; or they think I’m playing with them like a cat plays with a three-legged mouse. None of these are the case, but usually I don’t have an opportunity to explain why.
The case is, in fact, that I want to be happy. And if being with someone doesn’t make me happier than I am by myself, then I’ll stay by myself. I don't expect someone to be perfect. I don't expect them to change. I want to love them for who they are. I want to be able to see a future with them. I don’t want to be in a relationship so that I have someone to share half the expenses with. That’s not ethical, and it’s not love. But trust me, a lot of people do it. And if I’m really honest, I’ve thought about it. I also don’t want someone to take care of me in any sense. I want to take care of each other. But again, it would be nice not to feel like I’m holding up the world all by myself all the time. I can’t put into words what happy looks like. At least not specifically... But I think I’ll know it when I see it. Until then, I’m not going to pretend that I can guarantee anything at all.
The Vikings are winning...
Yes, the Vikings AND my hormones are kicking my ass. First I should tell you that I only started dating when I turned 40. Yep. I know, long story, one I’m saving for a book I’m writing. It’s completely true, with the exception of having a few movie or dance dates in high school and college. And by few I mean between five and eight. Pathetic, I know.
Here’s the problem with not dating until you’re 40:
You have no schema! In fact, you’re up a creek without a schema. You just don’t have a clue what to do. This puts you at an extreme disadvantage and means that you’re going to do a LOT wrong. You’re going to hurt yourself and others in the process. You’re going to feel one minute like the world is the most glorious place in the universe (this is an oxytocin rush, just so you know). And the next minute, you’re going to feel like you can’t do anything right.
Let me put this in perspective. I’ve spent 19 years, just shy of half my life span, living alone. I had one roommate for a short period and it was actually good (maybe not for the roommate, because I’m pretty sure I’m hard to live with).
The point of telling you this is that I haven’t done a lot of the relationship-y things that most people have. I haven’t shacked up with a guy. I haven’t had a guy spend the night. I’ve never had a morning after breakfast. Bear with me, the TMI will be over soon. I’ve never cuddled on the couch to watch a movie with my significant other. I’ve cooked dinner for a few people, but the only one I was dating, I wasn’t really dating. It’s complicated. I’ve never had a joint checking account. I’ve never had anyone pay my bills for me, but I helped the it’s complicated guy financially a couple of times. I’ve never rented an apartment, bought a house or a car or even a teddy bear on joint credit. Never adopted a dog with anyone. Never had a child. I’ve never said “Honey, pass me the ketchup.” to anyone.
I have a vastly different perspective on life than most people and it’s tough for anyone to put themselves in my shoes. I don't blame them, I'm kind of a weirdo. Imagine going nearly 15 years without a kiss of any kind. Fifteen years without someone ever holding your hand. I’m not telling you this to garner sympathy, I’m trying only to describe my perspective.
I woke up this morning with a huge epiphany. One I didn’t like very much. It was: I may never be capable of having a significant other. This is a relief in a lot of ways because let’s face it, dating is hell. It takes an enormous amount of time and effort. This isn’t bad. It should take an enormous amount of time and effort or it wouldn’t matter. It hurts like hell when something doesn’t work out. And again, it should. Without hurt, you wouldn’t have a context for joy. But the other edge of this double-edged epiphany is that there is a pretty good chance (not 100%, mind you, but so far that’s my track-record), that I’ll grow older and eventually die having never experienced the relationship-y things I referred to above. So, yes I’m relieved, the pressure’s off, I can get back to work. But, I am also deeply and profoundly saddened. That takes me to my third point.
I believe I have a multiple personality disorder:
Most of the last year has been maddening! Mad-Hatter maddening. Too many fairy tales in this blog? Well, anyway... When I meet someone, sometimes even before I physically meet them, let’s say we text or talk on the phone, I can usually tell if we’ll be mostly compatible or not. I say mostly because no two people are ever 100% compatible. It’s just not possible to agree on EVERYTHING, or like ALL the same things. That’s why we’re called individuals. But, we can be mostly compatible and in my observations, those seem to be the happiest relationships. I can usually get a sense for compatibility with someone pretty quickly. And on the flip-side I can generally sense when something’s off as well. I don’t believe I’m always right about these things, but I try and make the best decisions with the information I have when I have it. I’ve also learned to trust my Spidey-sense in the last year, because if I ignore it, I regret it. Where are the multiple personalities, you ask? Well...
I seem to vacillate between the realist, the epically horny teenager and the pink sparkly tutu clad princess looking for her prince charming.
The easiest one to explain is the epically horny teenager. Fifteen years of no dating. Nuff said!
The realist. This is the woman who knows things sometimes work out and sometimes they don’t She is too honest, too logical (Lori-logic is a little different than say... Einstein-logic), occasionally skeptical, and always has a plan, flexible though it might be. She tries to be honest with her potential mates because if she fails them, she wants them to be prepared. She wants to spare their feelings right off the bat. In a twisted way, she ends up hurting their feelings by being honest about her own shortcomings. The trouble with the realist is that she never wants to count her chickens before they hatch. In some respects, she robs herself of her own potential futures.
The sparkly pink princess has counted the 5th generation of hatch-lings and built little pink chicken condos with her prince charming. She wants the fairy tale. She believes in the fairy tale. She believes every “this one” might be THE ONE. And with every potential prince charming, she floats around to the beat of her own drum... heart... something. I kind of lost that metaphor somewhere in the middle, sorry. My point is, she wants to jump in with both feet, tutu flying up over her head laughing all the way.
As you can imagine, the realist and the sparkly pink princess don’t get along all that well. For me, that means I’ve got a constant war going on in my head. Take a chance! No, wait and see. TAKE A CHANCE! No, I already know he’s not the one. TAKE A CHANCE, DAMMIT! But what if I do and it doesn’t work out and I hurt him? Argh!!!! Throw in the teenage harlot and I’m ready for meds and a comfy padded room.
Meanwhile, the Vikings end up hating me or dumping me.
At the end of the day, here we all are... Me, the realist, the sparkly pink princess, the teenage harlot and some Vikings, all special in our own way. I don’t know where we’ll all end up, but I know this. Eventually, we’ll get where we need to go. It might hurt, it might never work out. It might be happily ever after. Who knows? None of us. And fate has a funny way of making it happen although she beats the hell out of you along the way.
Showing posts with label true love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label true love. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Little Things Make Me Happy
So, I've been thinking... I do a lot of thinking while I'm driving and I'm sure it would be better if I was concentrating on driving, but there you go. Anyway, I was thinking about the measure of a life. What makes it special and worth living?
Of course the answer to this question is vast and depends a great deal on what's important to you. These are the things that are important to me.
Take a ride in a Jeep (or another less superior convertible): You knew this was coming right? But it really is an important one. I had the privilege of driving in scenic Glacier National Park this summer. It was in August and the days were warm and filled with sun, the nights colder than I like. But driving through sun-dappled trees, listening to birds and the breeze rustle through ancient pine trees was just short of an out-of-body experience. I would describe my faith as something other than Christian, but I do believe in spirit... in connectedness... in something larger than me. And if you ever doubt that Spirit or God or Goddess exist, take a convertible ride through Glacier. You'll feel it when the sun and shadows touch your face and run their fingers through your hair.
Visit one place that makes you feel insignificant: Now, this sounds a little counter-intuitive, but it's a continuation of the theme above. Standing in a place that makes you feel insignificant gives you valuable perspective. It helps you to understand your place in the world and how miraculous your life is no matter how you think of it most days. For me a place that makes me feel insignificant could be any stretch of wilderness. A gigantic mountain, the middle of the woods, or sitting next to a wild stream. For you it may be standing at the foot of the Eiffel Tower or at the Vatican or even at Ground Zero. Find that place and just be.
Have a reliable "in case of emergency" contact: I recently started the paperwork for my very own passport, but in doing so, I realized that I didn't have anyone to name as my "in case of emergency". This was the case for a couple of reasons. First, I don't have much immediate family left and those who are, really don't know me well enough to effectively carry out my wishes. Either they will be unwilling or incapable. That sounded pretty snooty, but it's true. But then something amazing happened. I found out a few years ago that I have a 1/2 brother & a sister-in-law I didn't know about. I met them in person on my birthday which was also the memorial service for my beloved dog. They flew in to attend the service and my brother helped me plant a sturdy oak tree for the occasion. They are amazing people. And when I talked to them about my dilemma, they volunteered to be my emergency contacts! Having someone to play that role for you isn't just a matter of paperwork. It means that somewhere in the world, someone cares about one of the most fundamental needs a person can have... knowing that someone, somewhere, will notice if you were gone from the earth. No matter how independent we are, we all need this. We need someone to acknowledge that we lived, that we touched their life for good or for bad.
Achieve one big goal: Everyone deserves one big thing to be proud of. And when I say big, remember that it's a subjective term. For some people, making a friend is big. For some, selling 10 Cadillacs is big. Don't forget to take stock of what you've already accomplished because you might have already done it. If not, decide what your big thing is and go after it. If you get it done, pick something else. Life is short, live it.
Recognize a miracle: Real miracles happen around us everyday. Things that we take for granted. Most of them aren't biblical or epic, they're little things that make us happy or catch our attention. Remember that getting out of bed can be a miracle. So is the fact that your heart beats without you doing a thing to make it so. Look for miracles everyday. I will guarantee that you will find them. They are all around us in the little details of life.
Have one devoted friend: I've been lucky in this area. I've had lots of people that I could call to have fun or help me move or even cheer me up. And I hope that I have been this for others as well. Friends are important. They connect us to the world. The person that I counted on the most recently had to move to a different state. I didn't realize how much I would miss her, but it's a good thing to know it now. It means that she made a difference in my life and now I can truly appreciate her.
Have one day you can call "the best ever": Wouldn't it be nice if everyone had a day that was perfect. Like big, perfect is also subjective. Obviously, there are a lot of things that are not under our control. But the way we choose to react to them can make a world of difference. I'm not saying you should go through life with an artificial smile and pretend that nothing is getting you down, but even sad or frustrating times can be lessons. Learning what you need to and moving on is the gift. So start thinking about what your perfect day would look like. Imagine it with all your might and do this until it actually happens.
Have one epic love affair: I'm not talking about cheating. Not at all. But everyone deserves one big love, even if it's short-lived. I am not a conventional woman. I've never actually been able to picture myself married with the white picket fence. And I haven't actually had my epic love affair yet, but all good things take time. It's something I will never lose hope in, although I have to say my hope has been flickering lately. But here's the thing... it doesn't matter to me if it lasts a weekend, a summer or a lifetime. Of course I'd be lying if I said I didn't think a lifetime sounded like the best option. But really, I just want to have experienced that one connection. To meet someone who gets me and that I feel the same way about. Someone who I can talk to for hours about ideas and life and love. Someone who is passionate and kind, happy and affectionate... and maybe a little viking if you know what I mean.
Of course the answer to this question is vast and depends a great deal on what's important to you. These are the things that are important to me.
Take a ride in a Jeep (or another less superior convertible): You knew this was coming right? But it really is an important one. I had the privilege of driving in scenic Glacier National Park this summer. It was in August and the days were warm and filled with sun, the nights colder than I like. But driving through sun-dappled trees, listening to birds and the breeze rustle through ancient pine trees was just short of an out-of-body experience. I would describe my faith as something other than Christian, but I do believe in spirit... in connectedness... in something larger than me. And if you ever doubt that Spirit or God or Goddess exist, take a convertible ride through Glacier. You'll feel it when the sun and shadows touch your face and run their fingers through your hair.
Visit one place that makes you feel insignificant: Now, this sounds a little counter-intuitive, but it's a continuation of the theme above. Standing in a place that makes you feel insignificant gives you valuable perspective. It helps you to understand your place in the world and how miraculous your life is no matter how you think of it most days. For me a place that makes me feel insignificant could be any stretch of wilderness. A gigantic mountain, the middle of the woods, or sitting next to a wild stream. For you it may be standing at the foot of the Eiffel Tower or at the Vatican or even at Ground Zero. Find that place and just be.
Have a reliable "in case of emergency" contact: I recently started the paperwork for my very own passport, but in doing so, I realized that I didn't have anyone to name as my "in case of emergency". This was the case for a couple of reasons. First, I don't have much immediate family left and those who are, really don't know me well enough to effectively carry out my wishes. Either they will be unwilling or incapable. That sounded pretty snooty, but it's true. But then something amazing happened. I found out a few years ago that I have a 1/2 brother & a sister-in-law I didn't know about. I met them in person on my birthday which was also the memorial service for my beloved dog. They flew in to attend the service and my brother helped me plant a sturdy oak tree for the occasion. They are amazing people. And when I talked to them about my dilemma, they volunteered to be my emergency contacts! Having someone to play that role for you isn't just a matter of paperwork. It means that somewhere in the world, someone cares about one of the most fundamental needs a person can have... knowing that someone, somewhere, will notice if you were gone from the earth. No matter how independent we are, we all need this. We need someone to acknowledge that we lived, that we touched their life for good or for bad.
Achieve one big goal: Everyone deserves one big thing to be proud of. And when I say big, remember that it's a subjective term. For some people, making a friend is big. For some, selling 10 Cadillacs is big. Don't forget to take stock of what you've already accomplished because you might have already done it. If not, decide what your big thing is and go after it. If you get it done, pick something else. Life is short, live it.
Recognize a miracle: Real miracles happen around us everyday. Things that we take for granted. Most of them aren't biblical or epic, they're little things that make us happy or catch our attention. Remember that getting out of bed can be a miracle. So is the fact that your heart beats without you doing a thing to make it so. Look for miracles everyday. I will guarantee that you will find them. They are all around us in the little details of life.
Have one devoted friend: I've been lucky in this area. I've had lots of people that I could call to have fun or help me move or even cheer me up. And I hope that I have been this for others as well. Friends are important. They connect us to the world. The person that I counted on the most recently had to move to a different state. I didn't realize how much I would miss her, but it's a good thing to know it now. It means that she made a difference in my life and now I can truly appreciate her.
Have one day you can call "the best ever": Wouldn't it be nice if everyone had a day that was perfect. Like big, perfect is also subjective. Obviously, there are a lot of things that are not under our control. But the way we choose to react to them can make a world of difference. I'm not saying you should go through life with an artificial smile and pretend that nothing is getting you down, but even sad or frustrating times can be lessons. Learning what you need to and moving on is the gift. So start thinking about what your perfect day would look like. Imagine it with all your might and do this until it actually happens.
Have one epic love affair: I'm not talking about cheating. Not at all. But everyone deserves one big love, even if it's short-lived. I am not a conventional woman. I've never actually been able to picture myself married with the white picket fence. And I haven't actually had my epic love affair yet, but all good things take time. It's something I will never lose hope in, although I have to say my hope has been flickering lately. But here's the thing... it doesn't matter to me if it lasts a weekend, a summer or a lifetime. Of course I'd be lying if I said I didn't think a lifetime sounded like the best option. But really, I just want to have experienced that one connection. To meet someone who gets me and that I feel the same way about. Someone who I can talk to for hours about ideas and life and love. Someone who is passionate and kind, happy and affectionate... and maybe a little viking if you know what I mean.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Why Spike is Better than Angel
SPOILER ALERT: If you haven't watched all 7 seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which is 39 dvds and approximately... well... I honestly don't know how many hours, but it was a big chunk of my life! then you may want to skip this post. You should know that I'll be giving some things away. I didn't spend that much time glued to my television to not talk about everything Buffy! So beware and if you don't want me to ruin it for you, then read another post, there should be plenty to choose from. If you aren't a Buffy fan, I highly recommend it. It's THE best vampire series that ever was or EVER WILL BE.
I should let you know that I am a total fanpire of most things undead, but Buffy is the icon. All other vampire tales should aspire to be a fraction of what it was. Twilight, schmilight... Buffy is the best!
I'm sure that most people are familiar with David Boreanaz because of his co-starring role in Bones on FOX. He's pretty good in that and he was good in Buffy as well. And lets face it, he's easy on the eyes. For those of you who don't know, he played Angel & Angelis, two sides of the same coin. Angel the tortured vampire with a soul was Buffy's true love. He has two names because essentially he played the "good" and "evil" versions of the same character.
Spike came into the show later and was the complete anti-Angel. Spike was played by James Marsters and he did it brilliantly. He had to dawn nearly transparent bleach-blonde spiky hair, a British accent and a killer wit (pun totally intended). He was also a vampire of course, but wasn't cursed with a soul as Angel was.
Now, in the beginning of the show, I fell for Angel like every girl who watched him brood his way into Buffy's heart. He was tall dark and handsome, a vampire to boot, a cool celtic tattoo and he had incredible hair! He was cursed by a gypsy after he killed everyone in the gypsy camp save one lone and powerful gypsy woman... Basically, when one becomes a vampire, the soul disappears. We don't really know where it goes, but it's not incorporated in the being anymore. The gypsy's curse installed the soul back into the body of Angelis the vampire, creating Angel, still a vampire, but now tortured, brooding and adorable. Why is this important? Well, when Angel got his soul back, I remind you he was cursed with it, he had to feel all of the torture, killing and mayhem that he'd done prior to that, which evidently was a pretty long and horrible list. Without a soul, there is no conscience to make you feel bad about what you've done. With a soul, you feel terrible about it. To feel better, he started fighting on the side of the good guys against other vampires, demons and things that go bump in the night. Hoping that one day he would do enough good deeds to erase his guilt.
Spike on the other hand, wasn't cursed with his soul. He was 100% bad-ass vampire, had killed a couple of slayers in his time (which is evidently a big deal) and wore a black leather duster and combat boots to finish the persona. In the beginning, his only goal was to kill the slayer... well he drank a lot and fornicated as well, but isn't that what I meant by "bad-ass"? I won't go into the whole back story but basically through some twisty turns in fate, Spike starts having an affair with Buffy, does something reprehensible, regrets it and journeys to hell or some other dark dimension to retrieve his soul. Yep, he purposefully went to get his soul back!
Why is this important? Well, first Angel was cursed, he wouldn't have chosen to have his soul back. Spike not only chose it, he went through a series of "kick your ass" trials to get it back! He nearly died getting it back. You may ask why he did this. Love. Of course. Spike loved Buffy, felt terrible about what he did, and wanted to be worthy of her. Did you hear that? Spike felt bad BEFORE he got his soul back. Hmmmmmmmmm. Now that's interesting. Even without a soul, Spike felt bad!
Now there are little things that I love about Spike's character. I enjoyed his wit for instance. I love British humor and James Marsters played a natural Brit... but James Marsters is actually American. His accent in the show was completely fictitious and it was nearly flawless. I went through several seasons before I found out that the accent wasn't actually real! That in itself is amazing. Generally, you can tell when an American tries to fake British... see Madonna. I also love the character because he was a full speed ahead, all risk, take no prisoners, 150% in with everything he had kind of guy. How can you not love that kind of enthusiasm? He was also funny and that is an essential immortal boyfriend quality.
So, let's see... Spike had killer wit, a conscience without having to have a soul, was good in a fight, was Buffy's match in every way and was willing to die for her. Well, that's my argument. Angel's pretty to look at, but he's no Spike!
If you're a Buffy fan, I would love to hear your opinion. I think Joss Whedon is absolutely brilliant and I've loved Buffy, Angel, & Firefly... not a big fan of Dollhouse.
I should let you know that I am a total fanpire of most things undead, but Buffy is the icon. All other vampire tales should aspire to be a fraction of what it was. Twilight, schmilight... Buffy is the best!
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I'm sure that most people are familiar with David Boreanaz because of his co-starring role in Bones on FOX. He's pretty good in that and he was good in Buffy as well. And lets face it, he's easy on the eyes. For those of you who don't know, he played Angel & Angelis, two sides of the same coin. Angel the tortured vampire with a soul was Buffy's true love. He has two names because essentially he played the "good" and "evil" versions of the same character.
Need an angel inspired tshirt? http://www.cafepress.com/2dogstudio.399269745
Spike came into the show later and was the complete anti-Angel. Spike was played by James Marsters and he did it brilliantly. He had to dawn nearly transparent bleach-blonde spiky hair, a British accent and a killer wit (pun totally intended). He was also a vampire of course, but wasn't cursed with a soul as Angel was.
Now, in the beginning of the show, I fell for Angel like every girl who watched him brood his way into Buffy's heart. He was tall dark and handsome, a vampire to boot, a cool celtic tattoo and he had incredible hair! He was cursed by a gypsy after he killed everyone in the gypsy camp save one lone and powerful gypsy woman... Basically, when one becomes a vampire, the soul disappears. We don't really know where it goes, but it's not incorporated in the being anymore. The gypsy's curse installed the soul back into the body of Angelis the vampire, creating Angel, still a vampire, but now tortured, brooding and adorable. Why is this important? Well, when Angel got his soul back, I remind you he was cursed with it, he had to feel all of the torture, killing and mayhem that he'd done prior to that, which evidently was a pretty long and horrible list. Without a soul, there is no conscience to make you feel bad about what you've done. With a soul, you feel terrible about it. To feel better, he started fighting on the side of the good guys against other vampires, demons and things that go bump in the night. Hoping that one day he would do enough good deeds to erase his guilt.
Spike on the other hand, wasn't cursed with his soul. He was 100% bad-ass vampire, had killed a couple of slayers in his time (which is evidently a big deal) and wore a black leather duster and combat boots to finish the persona. In the beginning, his only goal was to kill the slayer... well he drank a lot and fornicated as well, but isn't that what I meant by "bad-ass"? I won't go into the whole back story but basically through some twisty turns in fate, Spike starts having an affair with Buffy, does something reprehensible, regrets it and journeys to hell or some other dark dimension to retrieve his soul. Yep, he purposefully went to get his soul back!
Why is this important? Well, first Angel was cursed, he wouldn't have chosen to have his soul back. Spike not only chose it, he went through a series of "kick your ass" trials to get it back! He nearly died getting it back. You may ask why he did this. Love. Of course. Spike loved Buffy, felt terrible about what he did, and wanted to be worthy of her. Did you hear that? Spike felt bad BEFORE he got his soul back. Hmmmmmmmmm. Now that's interesting. Even without a soul, Spike felt bad!
Now there are little things that I love about Spike's character. I enjoyed his wit for instance. I love British humor and James Marsters played a natural Brit... but James Marsters is actually American. His accent in the show was completely fictitious and it was nearly flawless. I went through several seasons before I found out that the accent wasn't actually real! That in itself is amazing. Generally, you can tell when an American tries to fake British... see Madonna. I also love the character because he was a full speed ahead, all risk, take no prisoners, 150% in with everything he had kind of guy. How can you not love that kind of enthusiasm? He was also funny and that is an essential immortal boyfriend quality.
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So, let's see... Spike had killer wit, a conscience without having to have a soul, was good in a fight, was Buffy's match in every way and was willing to die for her. Well, that's my argument. Angel's pretty to look at, but he's no Spike!
If you're a Buffy fan, I would love to hear your opinion. I think Joss Whedon is absolutely brilliant and I've loved Buffy, Angel, & Firefly... not a big fan of Dollhouse.
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