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Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Creepy Vans & Perfect Hair

Now that I'm older and wiser, I am the big FOUR-OH, I thought I'd share a couple of the rules I live by.  I'm going to share them because I think they are incredibly observant and important. And finally, I know these are sound rules simply because I know of one exception to each, and of course an exception proves the rule.

The first rule is...

Anyone who drives a full size van is a potential serial killer.
I know. It sounds radical right? But I totally believe it. The probability of it being true goes up, the fewer the windows in the van. I'll say this again, the fewer the windows, the more likely the driver is a serial killer... or has the potential to be. Unless the van has lots of windows and accompanying window shades or blinds. Window shades = "danger Will Robinson"Don't you watch TV? This is always true. It's the perfect vehicle for n'er do wells. For instance, I have some neighbors, the creepy McCreepersons, have 2 full size vans in their driveway. They also give me the willies like you can't believe. Not even my dog trusts them. I'm thoroughly convinced that there may be bodies in their backyard already, but I can't see over the fence, so I can't say for sure one way or the other. But if you watch shows like Criminal Minds, CSI or even Law & Order SVU, you know that the perp will always be the guy in the van! So, there's nothing wrong with being cautious. Just keep your eyes peeled for crazies in full size vans.  My exception that proves this rule is actually a fictional character, but nevertheless, it's still an exception. Dexter the fictional television serial killer. Dexter drives an SUV, enough said. I also have a friend who drives a full size van and he is definitely not a serial killer. Double proof of the validity of this rule.

Never trust a man with perfect hair. Yep, men with perfect hair aren't trustworthy.
Women are different. Women are supposed to obsess over their hair. It's encoded on the x chromosome. I don't really want to be friends with most women who have perfect hair. We just don't really have anything in common. Even though I obsess about mine a lot, my hair is never perfect. During conversations with perfect-haired women, all I can think about is how many of my own hairs are out of place or are the wrong color or that my cut has been neglected for too long... but that's not to say they can't be trusted.

However, a man who obsesses over his hair is a completely different duck. It's just not quite natural. It doesn't have anything to do with orientation or looks really. I think it has to do with vanity. We expect women to be at least a little vain. This isn't a disparaging remark, it just is. Women and men are judged by their looks, but men have a wider range of acceptable looks. You've heard the adage that "men only get better looking with age", right? For women, the range is much narrower, thus we get a bit more neurotic about our hair... our ankles... our noses... and the sizes of our butts. A man with perfect hair is just... wrong. Not wrong as in good or bad... wrong as in askew. (I’ve been dying to use that word in a blog.) It just doesn't jive. And when something is amiss like that, well, I spot it. It's like a painting that’s slightly crooked. For me, it stands out like a sore thumb! Men shouldn't have perfect hair. If they do, their intentions just can't be good. Now, the reason I know this is a rule is again because of it's exception. I've met countless men with perfect hair but only one that is completely trustworthy. His name is Howard and thus proves the rule.

Now, I know that these sound like odd rules and not exactly based on cutting edge science. But trust me on this, they will serve you well. Keep them in mind and do your own research if necessary. You'll thank me later.