The Gender of Cars

I'm kind of a car enthusiast... Not a fanatic, but I enjoy driving different kinds of cars and seeing what they are made of. Some are a bit "vanilla" and some are amazing. All of them are fun to drive in their own way. Americans in general are fascinated with the car I think. It really is a metaphor for a lot of things: freedom, sexuality, lifestyle & attitude. I've already talked about how I bought a soft top Jeep to help me deal with my mid-life crisis, but in total, I've had 14 cars throughout my life and there is quite a range of makes and models.

1. 1970 Toyota Corona: Yes like the beer, it was adorable and I still miss it. It looked like a miniature version of the black UN diplomat cars, only red.
2. 1974 Ford Maverick: Column shift & nearly indestructible. I think the bumpers were filled with concrete and encased in iron. It was army green and I always want to fix a bazooka shell to the hood and put PATTON on my license plate. It might still be out there somewhere!
3. 1973 Toyota Corolla: Dependable, economical and brown.
4. 1990 Honda Civic: My only brand new car ever, but insurance was too pricey.  I only had it about a year. I did love it though. It was the first car I drove over 100mph. Don't tell anyone, okay? I absolutely DO NOT recommend it. Please don't do it.
5. 1974 Subaru DL... I was taught if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
6. 1981 Chevy Cavalier Hatchback: The hatchback door shocks were broken, so every time I hit a bump, the hatchback would fly open. That was okay though, I was never able to lock my keys in the car... unlike ALL the others!
7. 1974 Toyota Corona: V-6, fantastic car, wish I would have appreciated it more. It was dependable and fast and in it's birth year, a bit of a luxury car!
8. 1981 Toyota 4wd Longbed Pickup with a topper: Would still like another one of these. GREAT truck!
9. 1987 Toyota 4wd Supercab pickup: Another great truck, but extremely lightweight. I nearly flipped it a couple of times and decided to get something more substantial.
10. 1990 Mazda Navajo: Great while it lasted. It was fun and I could camp out in it.
11. 1994 Ford Explorer: Also great while it lasted. VERY comfortable and I bet it's still out there as well.
12. 1997 Isuzu Rodeo: Another great SUV. Very dependable and fun to drive. Lots of room and great for dogs!
13. 1999 Mercury Villager Van: (momentary lapse in judgement): I nearly had a mental breakdown after I bought this one. But I still actually have it. It does carry an awful lot of stuff like 4'x8' sheets of plywood, and it's comfortable.
14. 2005 Jeep Wrangler: My DREAM car! What else can I say.

I might have a few of those mixed up, but you get the idea, I've had a lot of cars over my lifetime. I've loved many of them, hated some of them too, but they've all given me fun stories to tell in my old age. One thing that I've discovered with my vast car experience is that all cars have genders. Of course they are implied, but it makes me wonder what a cross between a Ford Pickup and a GEO Metro would look like?

In any case, I believe that cars have genders and I've taken a stab at describing a few. Sometimes the gender is dependent on the year of the car in question and some cars also reflect a level of maturity or aspects of personalities... for instance a mini-cooper is male, but also teenage. So, there you go?

• Land Rover: Teenage boy, but one who speaks with perfect grammar
• Jeep Wrangler: Depends, utilitarian like mine with no silly frills, snorkels or ridiculous tires, then girl (mine is named Betsy). With all the other stuff, teenage boy with something to prove.
• Any Subaru: Unic
• Dodge Ram Pickup: Man, sometimes all hat, no cattle.
• Any Honda, even the Honda truck, girl. Except for the Honda Element (which I actually like), it's unisex.
• GEO Metro: Girl... with glasses and a killer wit.
• Ford Escape: Frugal woman. The hybrid version, an upwardly mobile eco-warrior.
• Chevy Camaro: 60's & 70's, definitely boy. 80's-90's, girl with big hair and lots of blush! 2010 model: definitely boy.
• Dodge Challenger: All years, man... all man.
• Chevy Mustang coupe: Any year, woman. (sorry guys, but it's true).
• Chevy Mustang Mach I or II: Man, definitely, see Dodge Challenger.
• Chevy El Camino: Man who knows how to build things.
• Any Chevy Truck: Practical woman who knows how to build a fence.
• Any Ford Truck:  Practical man who knows how to build a fence.
• Any Mercedes: Mature man, possibly with an ascot or at least a tie.
• BMW: Teenage boy with too much allowance.
• Contrary to popular belief, most mini-vans are actually bachelors. I know it sounds contradictory, but this determination was made because the seats are a lot like recliners and the new ones have DVD players and TV screens. If you've ever been to a bachelor's apartment, you'll notice that the recliner is placed directly in front of the television. This is true for every bachelor, trust me.

Well, there you have it. My take on car genders. I know how fascinated you must be. I sure had fun writing it, though.  If you beg to differ or have cars to add, please comment. I'd love to hear it!

For a little car attitude, see www.cafepress.com/bumpertude