Chapter 4: My Troll Doll Can Beat up Your Barbie!

Just before I turned 40, I had changed one of the things about my life that I didn’t like. My car. This seemed like an easy thing to do and fairly trivial. Something that I didn’t have to think much about. Just figure out what you like and go find one you can afford. But that seemingly little change actually lit up a slew of other issues that needed to be dealt with. You see, the elephant that I was ignoring was my “hideously ugly” complex. I’d ignored it for a very long time, and let’s just say, elephants have a way of getting noticed... eventually.

It’s not that I didn’t know I had this issue. It’s that I never treated it as being at all serious or even relevant. At some point in my nature or nurture, I became convinced that I was hideously ugly. That became my fact and no one really disputed it. I’m not sure exactly where or when it happened. It just was. It’s part of the reason I hated mirrors so much and also part of the reason for my panic attack during the first topless Jeep ride.

Let me say this... knowing something isn’t rational and letting go of that belief are two totally different things. But fate has a funny way of slapping you in the face with something just when you’re convinced your denial is impenetrable.

My 40th birthday was just a few days away now and God knows why, but I decided I would take the day off from work to treat myself to a massage and then spend the day with my dog.

I’ve never had an actual massage before, but I decided part of this new life should include at least acting like a was a normal woman and doing "woman" things. One thing that normal women did was to pamper themselves on occasion, right? I had learned this from watching “Dallas” and of course from listening to the women I work with.

Also, a few months before, I had started seeing a brilliant Chiropractor whom I called Dr.
Hannah. I’ve had this theory that I was in constant “fight or flight” mode for quite some time
now, but Dr. Hannah confirmed it. Clench your fists as tightly as you can and hold it. Now
imagine your whole body feeling like that for years. Turns out that this kind of stress can affect
a lot of body systems, including digestion. Wasn’t that interesting? Turns out that digestion is what
computer people would call, a secondary or non- essential system. That means, when you’re in
danger, it gets turned off basically to conserve power. If you’re in constant stress mode, like this
fight or flight thing, well, your digestion is FUBAR!

In the same office as Dr. Hannah, there are massage therapists. I made an appointment with one. I figured my muscles could use the attention and frankly, so could I. I was, however, quite worried about how I could possibly go through with it. I was still around 340 pounds and I would have to be at least partially naked. The mere thought of that sent me into a little state I like to call Catatonia. I purposefully set that thought aside. I could panic later. I was simply making the appointment today. One tiny step at a time.

Massage Day, aka My 40th Birthday: The day started off alright. I was trying hard not to really think about actually going through with it. I turned on my internal auto-pilot and the Jeep and headed to the appointment.

When I arrived, I made my way inside and checked in. There was paperwork. There was
ALWAYS paperwork, wasn’t there? I completed it and handed it over. The only way I was going to get through this was to tune-out, right? "Tuning out" was something I used to do a lot. If I simply turned off my emotions, nothing could hurt me because I was numb. In fact, "tuning out" was so second nature that sometimes I didn't even realize I was doing it.

Sitting in the waiting room, I was scared to death and desperately trying to look normal. But inside, the fear was mounting. What was I thinking? Why did I ever think I wanted to do this? I could picture the massage therapist cringing in horror at the sight of me and running from the room screaming at the top of her lungs. It was inconceivable that anyone would want to touch me even if I was paying them to do it. It's why I hadn't let anyone touch me for nearly 15 years. It would be too humiliating to deal with, of that I was sure.

I honestly don’t know how I made it from the waiting area to the room, let alone disrobing and getting on the table. Inside I felt horrible. I felt ugly. I felt defeated. What a way to
spend your birthday, you idiot. There’s that little voice again.

But then, Dana came into the room and started chattering away. In fact, she talked so much, I didn’t have to. This isn’t normally what you'd want in a spa experience, I’m guessing? But I was grateful. She asked me a couple of questions and I nodded or shook my head depending on what was appropriate. This actually made me laugh a little considering I was face down in the head rest-y donut thing in the massage table.

“Have you had a massage before?” Dana asked. I shook my head. “Well, she said, some people like deep tissue massage, some don’t. If at any time I’m pressing too hard or it’s uncomfortable for you, you just let me know, okay?”

I nodded.

So far, I loved Dana. She was a little chatty Kathy, but thank God for that! She was busy telling me about her job and her recent dates and I thought maybe she’s so occupied with her conversation that she won’t even notice how hideous I am!

Then she put her hands on my shoulders and started working on my back. Oh my God. It was all I could do not to cry. It didn’t hurt. Not physically. I’m not sure how to describe what happened to me in that moment. I wanted to thank her, to hug her, to pay her mortgage. It wasn’t anything sexual, far from it. It was a validation of sorts. It was like in the act of touching me, bare hands to bare skin, she
acknowledged that I existed. It was honestly the first time I hadn't felt completely alone in the world. How could I ever think that wasn’t important? How could I have ever think that I didn’t need it? How had I lived without it for nearly 15 years?

A few tears fell, but I had to stop them or I would be blubbering and snotting into the pretty spa pillow and I couldn’t have that. So, for the rest of the massage, I concentrated only on the sensory experience and when that was too overwhelming, I concentrated on Dana’s chattering, bless her heart.
When it was over, I held it together long enough to drink my obligatory water, pay the bill and get myself to the Jeep. Then, I promptly broke down. Right there in the parking lot, I let myself feel what had just happened. I let myself absorb what it felt like to be touched again by another human being.

I Pee On Stress!

On Friday morning, I walked into my office (of my day job) to find a little clipping from a newspaper or magazine. It was strategically placed on my keyboard. It said:

"Learn to Handle Stress Like a Dog: If you can't eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away."

First, a BIG thank you to the co-worker who left it there. I needed it. It was a rough week and it brought me laughter which is a great natural medicine. It also brought me some wisdom cloaked in the guise of humor. Dogs, and my co-worker, are really brilliant that way.

 

www.2dogstyle.com

Let's think about it for a minute. We internalize stress like no ones business. In fact, we're learning (when I say we here, I generally mean people much smarter than I am) that stress is a silent killer. Working diligently over years to shorten our lives and make the time we have alive, harder and less enjoyable. Don't let stress win... Just say no to stress, RELAX DAMMIT! Yes, great advice, but difficult to follow.

So, how do we deal with stress more effectively? Lot's of people suggest meditation or relaxation techniques, but these, if not done effectively can actually add stress to our lives. We, essentially, beat ourselves up because we can't concentrate or don't know how to do it (meditation that is). And frankly, finding the time to practice meditation can add stress as well. Let's face it, meditation is hard work.

I'm going to take a bit of a diversion here that has a point, so stay with me, okay? Have you ever watched a program like Mutual of Omaha's Wild Africa, or something like it? A program where an unfortunate gazelle or deer gets run down by the consummate predator? It's difficult to watch right? Well, here's the thing... Imagine that the gazelle gets away. Sometimes they do and here's what happens... When the gazelle is at a safe distance away from the danger, I'm guessing they know this purely by instinct, they collapse. Yep, they collapse into a heap of nerves and shake until the 'stress' is relieved. At which time the gazelle gets up and trots merrily on it's way. Stress dealt with. This is the natural way to deal with stress. To allow the physical reaction to it. Even mental stress creates physical symptoms. In the gazelle's case, the physical symptoms are initially adrenaline and other things that fuel the "flight or fight" response. The gazelle can't fight, so it flies. (Check out Healing Trauma: A Pioneering Program for Restoring the Wisdom of Your Body by Peter A. Levine)

Now, how does this relate to my stress or my point for that matter? Well, people don't fly & generally, don't fight either. Ha ha, you know what I mean. We essentially internalize this stress. We can't help it. Our society doesn't look well on collapsing into the shakes after a stressful business meeting. And it certainly doesn't allow us to deck the person who just ticked us off or treated us badly. I know we like to think it does, movies for instance are great for showing us this is okay. But honestly, we know there are real consequences for acting this way. You also have to remember that I am generalizing a little bit here. I know there are exceptions to these observations, that people do fly off the handle and physically react. Things like road rage do exist. But you have to ask yourself, does road rage exist because we've finally pushed down enough stress to blow like a Paula Dean pressure cooker? I think there's some merit in that observation.

Here's another... observation I mean. When the gazelle is in fight or flight mode, non-essential systems shut down. What's non-essential, you ask? Well, things like digestion. Interesting huh? Do you see where I am going with this? If not, here it is... Americans live highly stressful lives (the reasons for that, I'll save for a later posting). In fact, some reports suggest that the American life is one of the most stressful in the world. What other thing have we been hearing about lately? Obesity. Could it be that the stress we are not effectively dealing with, is shutting down our non-essential symptoms like digestion? I think so! I think it's a really valid conclusion. We know stress can cause us to eat as a way of finding comfort. So, in this case, stress carries a one-two punch! And of course in some cases, obesity can shorten the life-span. So the less we deal with stress, the more likely it is to affect us, physically and emotionally.

Now, back to the brilliant clipping left at my desk. "Learn to Handle Stress Like a Dog: If you can't eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away." What a wonderful idea! Let's be clear, I am absolutely, positively not advocating that you ACTUALLY pee on things... or people... that upset you or cause you stress. Although I do think that could be cathartic. Also, what you do in the privacy of your own home is none of my business. However, we can all visualize this, can't we? The next time you feel particularly upset, whether its traffic or people who treat you badly or even the water bill that pushes you over the edge, visualize yourself peeing on it. You heard me. Just metaphorically pee on it and walk away. I did it several times on Friday and I have to say it was wonderful. This may be a little crass, but honestly it relieved the stress almost immediately. Huh, maybe the phrase "relieve myself" actually makes sense to me now! If nothing else, it will make you laugh and laughter is a powerful weapon against stress. So, go forth good people, and pee, pee, pee!
L