From the Inside Out

So, being 20 years behind in the dating game is incredibly hard. I am most literally up a creek without a schema. Until recently, I’ve never had a romantic relationship. I’ve had potential relationships, usually one date and we, either/or, decide that nah, we’ll move on. I’ve had a few online relationships--which are just basically a lot of texting. But those usually end with a disappearing act or him going back to his ex. Oh, and then there are the guys who send random penis pictures and trust me, I do not request them! I also have a knack for setting potential suitors on the path to their “real true love of their life”. It seems just by meeting me for coffee, I set the fates in motion. I am a powerful woman!

In May of this year, I’ll be 43 years old. To have had one, solitary, all too brief relationship in the span of over 20 years of adulthood is a little abnormal, let’s face it. It’s also a little depressing.

There are times that these facts fill me with regret, but then I remember that all of our experiences throughout life, good or bad, make us who we are. And who we are is important. I have some not my finest moments moments. Things of which I am definitely not proud, but overall I believe I am a strong, loving, kind and resilient person. I’m creative, I believe in my talent and my tenacity. Most of all, I like my brain, even when it replays the things that I regret over and over in an effort to keep me up at night.

Having said that, I am UBER-HYPER-SUPER AWARE of every one of my thousands of flaws and shortcomings. That in itself is a shortcoming when you are trying to become an us. 
But that's who I am. Very self-aware, most of the time.

I’ve spent most of my life just observing people. The upside to observing as opposed to participating in life is that I think I have a deeper understanding of what’s important in life and to me than a lot of people. For instance, I see couples arguing all the time about who should’ve emptied the garbage, who loaded the dishwasher wrong, who forgot to pay the bills. Yes, bills need to be paid and dishes need to get done, but stop bitching at each other about it... SERIOUSLY! Do the dishes yourself (both of you) and don’t complain if they aren’t done the way you’d do them. Be done with it, it's not important!

In my last relationship, my significant other took the garbage out for me. We didn’t live together, he had just come over to see me, so this definitely wasn’t his responsibility. He hadn’t contributed to any of the garbage in the bag. But when he took it out, I didn’t ask-he just did it, I almost jumped up and down. No one had ever taken out the garbage for me. EVER. I seriously appreciated it so much that I wanted to do something, anything for him. Not because I wanted to pay him back, but just because he had been so thoughtful.

It seems simple to just appreciate each other. Look for any little thing each day for which to say thank you. Don’t get lost in the stress and chaos of everyday life and lose those little moments that you’ll never forget. Trust me.

Here’s the thing... Until 7 months ago, I had no idea what it even felt like to sit on the couch with someone and snuggle through a movie. Now I do. Now that my relationship is over, it’s actually a little painful to think of those moments, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Those moments made me feel real, they made me feel loved. And that is something that made my life whole.

My analogy is this... when you're blind, sound, smell, touch become amplified. They say that your other senses compensate for the lack of sight. Lack of touch and belonging are kind of the same thing... When you go 15 years without touch, touch becomes more intense. Almost overwhelming at times. Your heart leaps with joy when someone simply holds your hand. You belong.

For the most part, this is a blessing. I have learned to appreciate the kindness and joy that defines you when someone hugs or snuggles with you. I don’t care what kind of car you have or job you do. I’m just happy. In fact my heart thumps with joy at those little things.

But it’s also a curse. It’s a curse because a lot of people, those in my dating age range in particular don’t really feel the same way. These gestures have become routine, casual, almost absent-minded. They are anything but that to me.

My first relationship has ended and I haven’t completely worked through the grief of that. I have to admit, its hit me like Thor’s hammer. I cared deeply for this person for many reasons. Loved him with all my heart, in fact. At this point, I can only hope that someday I will be able to move on. Frankly, I’m not sure anyone will ever compare to him. It’s not that he was perfect. He had just as many flaws as me, I just didn’t care. None of them bothered me. He was the first person I truly wanted to let in. The first person I would kick Hairy off the bed for.

But I will continue to hope that I can move on eventually. I’m mostly hoping that I can move on before I hit my sixties, because let’s face it, it’s all fun and games until someone breaks a hip!

But when I am ready, I would like him to know this:

• If you don’t think I’m “the one” within a few weeks, you never will, so please let me go, do it in face-to-face and try to be kind about it.
  
• Be patient with me. I still don’t really know how these things are supposed to work and it’s so hard not to be terribly insecure about that.
  
• Tell me when I’m over-compensating. I know it can seem a little smothery, but I can't help it.
  
• Carry something for me without asking. If you ask, I will say “I got it”, and usually do, but the truth is that I would do anything for a little help.
  
• Don’t call me honey or hug me, or make any romantic gestures until and unless you mean it. I will think you mean it and I will be terribly confused when you yell “psych! I just wanna be friends!”
  
• Send flowers and only to me... unless it’s your mom or sis or niece. You get the idea.
  
• Kiss me hello every time you see me!
  
• Kiss me goodnight when we're together.  If we're not, tell me goodnight instead.
  
• Just kiss me... a lot... if you’re taller than me, lean down. Standing on your tippy toes is awkward and I’m a clutz. I'm likely to kiss the bottom of your chin and then I'll feel like a dork and over-compensate some more. Also, I'm an awkward hugger, just saying.
  
• Hold me when I’m upset.
  
• Most of all, talk to me. Talk to me about anything, but especially when something is wrong. Please. Talk to me instead of just walking away.
  
• Please don’t take me for granted. I’ll put up with it longer than I should, but then I won’t...
  
• Don’t say “I love you” unless you mean it forever.

Advice for a Virtual Date

So, a lot of people are online dating these days. I am not one of them. Frankly, I spend enough time on the computer and don't want to add my social life to the mix. I do however, think it's a great alternative to some of the traditional ways of meeting people, especially hanging out in bars. That's just not my scene. I have, however looked at potentials online, it's like window shopping for men with no commitment or risk, how could you not at least peek. There is still a stigma associated with online dating though and I have to say the most interesting guy I've seen online had the following byline: "Willing to lie about where we met." Now that was clever. Not venturing any further, I will go as far to say that he seemed to at least have a great sense of humor.

Even though I am not online dating, I have thought about it. What if you were to meet someone who was not in close physical proximity to you? How would you handle a date? I mean, there is e-mail, sure... and you can talk on the phone. But actually flying to meet someone? In my book, that is a big commitment. Are you sensing that I may have a problem with commitment? Huh? Maybe I do. ARGH, Like I need something else to work on!

Anyway... in my day job, I design virtual or online training. One of the goals with this is to create a virtual experience for the learner. So I am going to apply some of these principles to creating a virtual date. Anyone who likes the idea, please feel free to use it. I would love to hear how they work, so don't forget to come back and fill out the comments below.

Requirement One: I am going to assume you are have already e-mailed, phoned or otherwise communicated with your date, so you probably have a little bit of an idea about what they like.

Requirement Two: A guy or a girl can be in charge of planning the date. Ladies, don't feel like you have to wait for the man, you can take charge as well. Whomever takes the first step, if you are the recipient of the first virtual date, reciprocate by designing your own and sending it back to them.

Requirement Three: Remember this is virtual. That's what's so great about it. The sky is the limit. You have no physical or financial limitations. Can you imagine the possibilities? The only things that are required are a good imagination, some ingenuity, and an Internet connection (although you can do this in "PowerPoint" or better "Keynote" for the clearly superior Mac people out there ;)

In my example, I am going to use someone named Pete. Primarily because I don't know anyone named Pete. That in itself seems a bit impossible doesn't it? I mean Pete is a fairly common name. What kind of a place am I living in that I don't know a Pete?! Ok... getting off track. In my fictitious virtual example, I am going to try to woo a guy named Pete. And here's how I would do it:

-------------------------------->start imaginary virtual date<--------------------------

Dear Pete,
I'd like to take you on a virtual date. It will be a date unbound by the laws of time, space & money. Think of it as Astral Projection or Remote Viewing. This is going to require some imagination on both our parts, but I think it will be worth it. Within the text, you will find links and objects that will help you get the full experience. Don't forget to follow all the links. Also, since this date is virtual, you can participate whenever you want to! We're going to have so much fun. See you soon.

It's a little cliché, but I'm okay with that. We'll start in Paris for breakfast (note: I wish this person would have spelled espresso correctly, you'll see what I mean). Maybe a little sidewalk café because it seems so romantic. While drinking café au lait and enjoying fresh croissants with real butter (virtual-NO CALORIES!), we can watch Parisians in their natural habitat and discuss Sarah Gruen's Water for Elephants. It's Paris after all, how could we possibly have a bad conversation.

Since we're in Europe anyway, we might as well hop (thru time & space) over to see the Piéta by Michaelangelo at St. Peter's Basilica. It's breathtaking and I'd love to see it in person, wouldn't you? Michaelangelo and Leonardo DaVinci are fascinating and I know you like art as well... I just had a crazy thought... We're not bound by time or space... Maybe we should just drop in and meet Leonardo DaVinci. What d'ya say?

Wow. I don't know if we can top that, but I'd like to take you someplace that is a little closer to home for me. It's called the Pryor Mountains.  I took this picture there one summer. It's incredibly beautiful. I think you would like it. We can picnic with the local marmot and nap in the sun.

Before dinner, I think we should detour to Argentina and tango! I am rhythmically challenged, so it may look like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xi4O1yi6b0, but I will do my best...

For dinner, I think I'll make you something... maybe some Italian Bread Bowls with a good wine. I actually don't know much about wine, but I'm hoping this is a good one. After dinner, it might be time to curl up on the couch and watch a good movie, like Monte Python & the Holy Grail... or something more action packed like Centurion! Whatever the movie is, I'm sure it will be fine and hopefully you'll steal a kiss...

----------------------->end imaginary virtual date<---------------------

Now, wasn't that fun? I enjoyed putting it together. Now, if I only knew a "Pete"! I'm hoping you enjoyed it as well. So feel free to borrow any of the ideas here and have fun. Use your imagination and for my sake, be creative! Who says you can't be romantic in cyberspace?  

Go forth, your virtual date awaits!

I Pee On Stress!

On Friday morning, I walked into my office (of my day job) to find a little clipping from a newspaper or magazine. It was strategically placed on my keyboard. It said:

"Learn to Handle Stress Like a Dog: If you can't eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away."

First, a BIG thank you to the co-worker who left it there. I needed it. It was a rough week and it brought me laughter which is a great natural medicine. It also brought me some wisdom cloaked in the guise of humor. Dogs, and my co-worker, are really brilliant that way.

 

www.2dogstyle.com

Let's think about it for a minute. We internalize stress like no ones business. In fact, we're learning (when I say we here, I generally mean people much smarter than I am) that stress is a silent killer. Working diligently over years to shorten our lives and make the time we have alive, harder and less enjoyable. Don't let stress win... Just say no to stress, RELAX DAMMIT! Yes, great advice, but difficult to follow.

So, how do we deal with stress more effectively? Lot's of people suggest meditation or relaxation techniques, but these, if not done effectively can actually add stress to our lives. We, essentially, beat ourselves up because we can't concentrate or don't know how to do it (meditation that is). And frankly, finding the time to practice meditation can add stress as well. Let's face it, meditation is hard work.

I'm going to take a bit of a diversion here that has a point, so stay with me, okay? Have you ever watched a program like Mutual of Omaha's Wild Africa, or something like it? A program where an unfortunate gazelle or deer gets run down by the consummate predator? It's difficult to watch right? Well, here's the thing... Imagine that the gazelle gets away. Sometimes they do and here's what happens... When the gazelle is at a safe distance away from the danger, I'm guessing they know this purely by instinct, they collapse. Yep, they collapse into a heap of nerves and shake until the 'stress' is relieved. At which time the gazelle gets up and trots merrily on it's way. Stress dealt with. This is the natural way to deal with stress. To allow the physical reaction to it. Even mental stress creates physical symptoms. In the gazelle's case, the physical symptoms are initially adrenaline and other things that fuel the "flight or fight" response. The gazelle can't fight, so it flies. (Check out Healing Trauma: A Pioneering Program for Restoring the Wisdom of Your Body by Peter A. Levine)

Now, how does this relate to my stress or my point for that matter? Well, people don't fly & generally, don't fight either. Ha ha, you know what I mean. We essentially internalize this stress. We can't help it. Our society doesn't look well on collapsing into the shakes after a stressful business meeting. And it certainly doesn't allow us to deck the person who just ticked us off or treated us badly. I know we like to think it does, movies for instance are great for showing us this is okay. But honestly, we know there are real consequences for acting this way. You also have to remember that I am generalizing a little bit here. I know there are exceptions to these observations, that people do fly off the handle and physically react. Things like road rage do exist. But you have to ask yourself, does road rage exist because we've finally pushed down enough stress to blow like a Paula Dean pressure cooker? I think there's some merit in that observation.

Here's another... observation I mean. When the gazelle is in fight or flight mode, non-essential systems shut down. What's non-essential, you ask? Well, things like digestion. Interesting huh? Do you see where I am going with this? If not, here it is... Americans live highly stressful lives (the reasons for that, I'll save for a later posting). In fact, some reports suggest that the American life is one of the most stressful in the world. What other thing have we been hearing about lately? Obesity. Could it be that the stress we are not effectively dealing with, is shutting down our non-essential symptoms like digestion? I think so! I think it's a really valid conclusion. We know stress can cause us to eat as a way of finding comfort. So, in this case, stress carries a one-two punch! And of course in some cases, obesity can shorten the life-span. So the less we deal with stress, the more likely it is to affect us, physically and emotionally.

Now, back to the brilliant clipping left at my desk. "Learn to Handle Stress Like a Dog: If you can't eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away." What a wonderful idea! Let's be clear, I am absolutely, positively not advocating that you ACTUALLY pee on things... or people... that upset you or cause you stress. Although I do think that could be cathartic. Also, what you do in the privacy of your own home is none of my business. However, we can all visualize this, can't we? The next time you feel particularly upset, whether its traffic or people who treat you badly or even the water bill that pushes you over the edge, visualize yourself peeing on it. You heard me. Just metaphorically pee on it and walk away. I did it several times on Friday and I have to say it was wonderful. This may be a little crass, but honestly it relieved the stress almost immediately. Huh, maybe the phrase "relieve myself" actually makes sense to me now! If nothing else, it will make you laugh and laughter is a powerful weapon against stress. So, go forth good people, and pee, pee, pee!
L