Bumble Bee on RedBull

(or www.blaylockpottery.com) <--coming soon

[written saturday morning 6/25] I went to bed a mere three hours ago.  It’s not that I don’t burn the candle at both ends most of the time, but preparing for a show is different. I hold shows at my home one day each summer and fall. The “show” has evolved over the years and now there are several artists who participate with me.

The show prep is exhausting. I am a world-class procrastinator, so I love to put off until next week what I could do tomorrow. It’s just the way I work. But I've decided this may not be the best approach to my “aging gracefully” plan.

Because I’ve put off what I could have been doing a few months ago, the last two weeks have been like the third level of hell. I work full time during the day, then for myself from three to six hours most nights after I get home. This is in addition to the normal stuff like... let’s say... personal hygiene, laundry and sleep. All of these things are important to say the least.

My dog Hairy thinks I’ve completely lost the plot. I mean for a dog, life should be a zen-like experience. Be one with your kibble... not to mention, smelling the air must be like touching god. My life, however, has gotten the farthest from zen as it can possible get. Somewhere between an impulse control challenged tween and a bumble bee hopped up on Red Bull without the actual help of Red Bull because that would probably send me right over the edge of sanity. (Red Bull reference dedicated to James Clark)

I’m not sure how this happened, but honestly, it happens every pre-show. Some ethereal master of sanity kidnaps mine and won’t give me proof of life until I’m on the brink of a coma with over-work.

I used to really enjoy it, but now I’m old... remember I hit 40 this summer. It’s starting to seem a little counter-productive.

So I'm faced with a dilemma. Or at least I think I am... “Can I make this better, or do I have to cut back in order to stay upright?”, "How do I balance a full time job which for now I have to keep, and work toward what I believe to be my ideal life: making art?"

Now normally, my blogs make brilliantly astute observations (that was sarcasm) and sometimes even give sage advice (again with the sarcasm). You become very wise and worth listening to when you turn 40. But in today’s blog, I’m actually asking for comments. How do I transition into full time artist without going insane or bankrupt. Send your ideas to: 100 Desperation Way, Anything-but-Margeritaville, Montana... Turns out Blogs have comment spaces below! Leave your ideas or comments as you please. I would so appreciate the help!

Don’t call me Cybil

My 40th birthday was just a few days ago. Here’s the thing... I don’t feel any different AND I feel totally different. But that’s a lot like me. I usually have completely opposing views of... well, everything really.

For instance, I love a good steak, but I hate the fact that it has to come from a living cow... well living at one point anyway. I love the idea of living as a hermit in the woods... kind of like the uni bomber, without the bombing or the crazy part, but I also love high speed internet.

The fact is, I think I'll love being forty as well, but probably not until the day before I turn 41. I think this dichotomy is about allowing yourself to just be who you are.. You may see yourself one way and then realize that you’re another way as well. That doesn't mean that you're a hypocrite, it usually means you can see both sides of an issue. I don’t totally fit in either the conventional corporate world or the artsy fartsy world, but I’ve lived in both. The proverbial square peg in a round hole dilemma.

This started me thinking about choices I’ve made. I think a lot of my decisions depended on the person I was at the time the decision was made. I’ve spent a lot of my life being carried away by opportunities that were good, but not exactly what I would have chosen had I really thought about what I wanted.

For instance, I have an Art Degree, but my longest career was in tech support and computer installation. Yep, a computer geek. How did that happen? I’m still asking myself that question. It was a good career, it paid well and I enjoyed it. I learned more lessons than I thought I ever could. But they were all good lessons to learn. And I've had some amazing experiences to boot.

So, the quintessential (I had to look up the spelling for this magnificent word) mid-life question is “How did I get here?” Although I think I’ve made good decisions, and they’ve led to good places, I think they were ultimately safe decisions. In other words, I don’t think I’ve been a power player in my own destiny. Did I just say power player? (Blek!) In fact, it’s a little weird to use power player and destiny in the same sentence... but I guess that proves my multiple personality point.

So, most of the time, I’ve gone where the conventional path has taken me. I think this is part of the reason this milestone of a birthday hit me so hard. The conventional path is never the path my heart or soul wanted to take. Nevertheless, here I am. Now, what do I do? If I think too much about what has to change... what I want to change, it completely paralyzes me. But, if I think about the possibilities... it’s so exciting someone might have to peel me off the ceiling. You see this conventional path has taught me things I would’ve never known if I’d jumped feet first into the art world. The computer jobs brought me to building websites and setting up inventory databases. Working retail taught me about pricing, costing... budgets & operating expenses. Working for a realty company helped me buy my house and my house equity paid off my student loans. And so my life went, one foot in front of the other.

Although there are times when I regretted not becoming a full time bonafide starving artist (a term which I wholeheartedly loathe), I am also grateful that I can make the leap as an older and wiser woman. If I would have leaped first, not knowing what I know now, chances are about 50/50 I would have failed... Actually the odds were probably more like 90/10 in favor of failure. And I have to be honest, failing like that, might have discouraged me from ever trying art as a business again. I don’t think I can ever not make art. It’s biological for me. But I do think I would’ve given up the idea of supporting myself with it.

So, all in all, the path I have haphazardly chosen was really a good one. My conventional jobs have paid for my clay habit and other equipment.  All things considered, I would have never been able to afford those things had I not had a good job. And now that I’ve had the time to figure out what I really want, and how to get there, the odds are finally in my favor.

The Unicorn in the Room

So, I've recently had to come to terms with the fact that I don't 'fit in'.  Although it's something I've dealt with all my life, my mid-life crisis is changing my attitude about it... and in a good way! No longer am I trying to fit in, but instead I am embracing who I am. It really hit me the other day during a business meeting. As I was sitting with people who were talking about driving to kid's baseball games, watching sports and sending kids to college, I realized that I was the odd man, I mean woman, out. I do my best to understand their perspective and share conversation, but for the most part, my life & my attitudes are very very different from theirs.

For instance, I believe in unicorns... and fairies and angels. Basically I believe in almost anything that sounds absolutely impossible. This sounds a little bit like my 'second childhood' has pushed me over the edge of sanity, right? But I'm as sane as the next person. I just choose to believe that magic is real. Why? Because it's a beautiful idea, isn't it? It's beautiful to think that something miraculous exists beyond us. It's also a great source of inspiration.

Let me tell you how I got here. As an artist, I've always been blessed with a wild imagination. I was an only child and from the time I was a little girl I daydreamed about fantastical characters and alternate universes. I particularly believed in wizards and unicorns, gnomes & fairies, elves & dragons. Sounds like the makings for the ultimate fantasy geek, right? Well, I don't actually attend Comicon, but I do think it would be fun.

Here's the thing. I didn't live in a house where my parents read me bedtime stories. In fact, it was just my mom & I unless I was staying with my grandparents, and none of them read to me. In fact, I can't remember one instance of anyone reading to me. I didn't have any early reader books. The first memory I have of someone reading to me was my second grade teacher, and he was really good at it. It's probably the reason why I love listening to audiobooks now. It's my indulgence. Some women like pedicures... I like a great audiobook read by someone who is really good at it.

So, I have to wonder where these imagined characters came from. If I didn't have any knowledge of fairy tales, how could I just know about fairies? I don't know the answer to that. But I do vividly remember moments where I knew it was true. For instance, I used to play at my grandparent's hobby farm. There was a shallow ditch running across the pasture and I loved to sit in the ditch and watch what passed by. There were dragonflies, snails & earthworms, crickets and birds, a plethora of tiny creatures that most people didn't notice at all. I would build boats for the snails out of milk weed pods complete with leafy sails and set them on their course. Looking back, I sure hope they made it safely to wherever I sent them. But I had a clear picture in my head of all of them communicating with each other, assisted by tiny fairies when they got in trouble and off to lands where they could see dragons and ride unicorns.

That imagination is alive and well today. Thank goodness. It's always been there, but it sort of woke back up when I started reading the Harry Potter stories a few years ago. What a magical and wondrous book! A friend recently said that J.K. Rowling was divinely inspired. She suggested that there was real magic happening in the writing of that story. She's a friend who believes as well, thank goodness for her. And I agree.

Artists and Art Historians have talked for centuries about divine inspiration. People accept the term without really thinking about it. But I'm here to tell you, it's absolutely true. I've felt it. There are moments in my studio, whether I am drawing or throwing pots, that I forget myself... even forget what I am doing and just work. It's not like I'm possessed or anything dark like that. It's a sort of stepping outside of myself. It's like I can understand the clay, or the pencil. Like the medium just works itself. I can tell when it's not happening and during those times it almost always pays to get out of the studio. In the inspired moments, the magical moments, the ideas create themselves. The forms create themselves. I am just tool in this. But I am always fascinated by it. And I always thank the fairies when the project is complete, because I truly believe they were in the room.

So there you go. I believe in fairies & other crazy things. So be it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to replace my DVD player so I can watch Lord of the Rings tonight. ;)
L