My Dating Manifest-O

Over the last year and a half, I’ve learned a few things about dating. I only started doing it when I turned 40. Yes, you heard me right. Long story, just go with me on this. I’m seriously behind the curve when it comes to the modern relationship. But, it’s brought me to this place. The place in time where I’ve decided to write a brief manifesto. I struggled with using the word “manifesto” simply because in the age of the Internet, I didn’t want to get flagged by the Department of Homeland Security. In particular, I live in Montana, where lots of wackos come to embrace their wackoness. Generally, wackos in Montana aren’t actually born here, they’re transplants. I was born and raised here, so I’m perfectly sane... really.

I decided to stick with “manifesto” because it’s time to get serious. It’s time to be true to what I want and send a clear message to those “potentials” out there. I also mean it as a new age-y double entendre. If you know anything about manifesting what you want into your life, you’ll know what I mean.

So, here goes. Listen up people!

If you think relationships are a game to be played with strategies and plans: Move it along, I don’t have time for you. I am who I am. I don’t want to try and manipulate anyone into liking or loving me. So, I’ll just tell you a little about me. I am caring and kind most of the time. I occasionally get pissed off, but that’s usually directed at my family and people who lie a lot. Not once, but a lot. I can stand up for myself, I am hard on myself, I am funny and I can be generous. I am extremely independent. I tried asking for help from someone I was seeing, once, because all my girlfriends told me that guys like to rescue the ladies and to fix things. My girlfriends were mistaken. I am strong, both emotionally and physically. I want a partner, not someone to take care of me or pay the bills. I deserve the same.

If you just want to “help each other out”, aka: friends with benefits: Move it along and quickly. I don’t want to be your friend with benefits. Friends with benefits is a complete misnomer. It should just be called “benefits” or better yet, random sex with someone you sort of know. People (both men and women) who just want benefits typically don’t know what real friendship is... at all. And although I want a relationship that includes lots of the benefit in question, and I mean lots in a very literal way because I spent 15 years in celibacy, I want the benefit to be in addition to a good conversation, endless laughter, spontaneous dancing in the kitchen, sitting on the couch cuddling (yes cuddling) and lots of other things.

If you’re married but unhappy: Run far away from me. I understand your plight, I really do. Things happen, people grow apart, things change, things are complicated, there are assets or children involved. I get it. But grow some balls and make a decision. You aren’t doing yourself, your spouse, your children, or your finances any favors. Is it hard? Abso-freakin-lutely! But life is too short to make each other miserable and trust me, the kids know, and they aren’t happy either. In fact, everyday you “fake it” you are chipping away bit by bit at their ability to have a healthy relationship in the future. And I am not willing to complicate matters further by being your friend-with-benefits-second-choice-waiting-in-the-wings-hoping-you’ll-eventually-choose-me-girl. Nope, sorry. So, run away and good luck in your quest for testicles.

If you want me to take vacation time so that we can sit in your basement and play “World of Warcraft”, forget it. I really shouldn’t have to explain this one.

If you want to uproot your whole family and move to my hometown before we even talk on the phone, let alone meet each other... I’ll run, you stay where you are.

If you want to send me penis pictures before we meet in person: As an artist, I totally appreciate the learning value. And the variety in shapes and sizes is scientifically fascinating. A couple were even fairly impressive, but let’s face it. It’s just a little too exhibitionist. Let’s avoid it. After we’re in a relationship... I'm all for it.

If you bought your car... your jacket... your shoes to impress someone: Move it along. I’m pretty sure we’ll have nothing to talk about. This goes double for someone who makes snap judgements about people’s looks or fashion sense.

If you won’t allow a dog to sleep on the bed or get on the couch: See ya!

If you are relatively honest, funny, sincere, creative, like adventure (not the extreme-you-could-die-zip-lining-in-the-Amazon type but more spontaneous and slightly safer adventures)... if you like movies, being outside, working hard, building a future, laughing, traveling, art, cuddling, zombies, sex (not zombie-sex... ewwwww squishy! And ewwww!) and me... then say hello. Better yet ask me for coffee.

Because here’s the thing. I’m worth it.

I Think I Sprained My Uvula

Now, don’t get me wrong, I can chatty Cathy with the best of them, I really can, but there’s a point in time when I prefer to not talk. In fact, there are times when useless chatter sets my teeth on edge (low-hanging pun, couldn’t resist). My point is that they say Silence is Golden for a reason. I did a little research into that phrase, and by little I mean I Googled it and looked at one of the results, this isn’t a dissertation. (Sidenote: you know you've made it when people start using your company name as a verb.) Evidently, the first example of "Silence is Golden" in the English language is from a poet named Thomas Carlyle, which is a little ironic if you think about it. But it may have even been used in ancient Egypt as well... also ironic considering the recent vocal uprising.

My point is that a lot can be said with silence. In fact, I didn’t realize how much I could actually talk (verbose would have been a shorter way to say this) until I tried to teach a 4-hour class immediately after a wisdom tooth extraction... three wisdom teeth to be exact. Besides the embarrassing drooling, my speech was as illegible as a drunkard's handwriting. So, I resorted to writing out what I had to say on the available marker board in the classroom. Let’s just say, all of my talking made me high as a kite. It also made me consider my words more carefully and it definitely made me admire those who use an economy of phrase communication style. To this day, I worship the monosyllabic! Something I am really not capable of.

Another interesting turn of phrase is A picture is worth 1,000 words. We’ve all heard this one, right? I love this one. Is it because words are cheap and art is expensive? I don’t think so. I think it has to do with the amount of bull you can put into a picture as opposed to a sentence. Quite frankly, I can only speak for the US here, but we talk too much. We talk so much that we quit actually saying anything about 15 years ago. I blame marketing experts. A great example of this is modern business lingo. Have you noticed that all the great “management/business/leadership/training experts” basically say the same thing, just with different words. They take an old idea, re-brand it so they can copyright it, and then they sell it. I guess everyone needs to make a living, but when I see things like this, I just want to scream “EMPORER’S NEW CLOTHES!! EMPORER’S NEW CLOTHES!!!”

Are you wise too? Tell the world!  http://www.cafepress.com/naughtyviking.424327962

I’m also not a fan of filling awkward silences with useless chatter. Don’t get me wrong, I do this. It’s awkward and I’m co-dependent, so I like to fix things. But it’s still annoying. It’s taken me a long time to realize that some people communicate s-l-o-w-e-r. They need time to digest the conversation as they go along. This is a good thing... I mean actually thinking about what we’re going to say before we spew meaningless jibber-jabber on our conversational partner is generally appreciated by said partner.

 Coming soon to www.naughtyviking.com

And finally, in silence, you can hear. Okay, I know that sounds like a leap in logic, but silence gives you moments to listen with your ears and your everything else. Have you noticed that intuitive people tend to be more quiet while “sales” people tend to chatter? It’s because intuitive people are listening, they are absorbing. Sales people, on the other hand, are trying to convince you of something. Remember that real communication is primarily non-verbal. Some experts estimate that up to 80% of what we say isn’t in the actual words we use. It’s in the cues we get or give. If we’re constantly chattering, we miss all the good stuff. I’m talking about the crinkle of the eyes, the fidgeting, the smile or frown, the nod etc. In the non-verbal, we can connect. And ultimately, this is what we’re so desperate to do right now. Unfortunately, this desperation is actually the trigger of some of the jibber jabber. It’s a vicious cycle isn’t it? So, the advice for myself and if you agree with me, for you, is “when in doubt, shut up”. I could have made this more elegant, but it would have taken more words.
L

 Shameless marketing, we all have to make a living: http://www.cafepress.com/naughtyviking.430534880